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Two Minute’s Hate: Better dead than RedHawk

March 21, 2012

It’s time for playoff hockey, and that means it’s time to throw rational, fact-driven commentary out the window. We present to you now a positively Orwellian exercise in general dislike: “The Two Minutes’ Hate.”

We readily admit we have it pretty easy: When asked where we went to college we can say “Lowell,” and everyone knows we’re talking about a great school with a terribly definitive geographic location. Same for UNH, Boston College and, under what we’re sure is a hearty cough to hide overwhelming shame and embarrassment, Amherst.

Not so much for the nobodies who matriculated in Oxford, Ohio — wherever that is. When someone shakes them awake from their midday nap on a heating grate, and asks about their alma mater, they must sheepishly reply “Miami University,” sweat beading on their furrowed brow as they pray the questioner doesn’t have any follow-up questions.

“Oh wow!” comes the inevitable reply. “That must have been awesome, going to school on the beach in Florida.”

We imagine at this point that the sinking feeling in their stomach is on par with the Lusitania, as they search desperately for the right words.

“No…no, not the University of Miami. Miami University. In Oxford.”

“Oxford? Like in England?”

“No, it’s in Ohio.”

“So you went to Miami?”

“Yes.”

“But it’s in Oxford, not Miami?”

“Yes.” (By now the shamed Miami of Ohio alum is positively staring at his or her shoetops.)

“And it’s in Ohio?”

“…Yes.”

“I don’t get it.”

And so imagine the pomposity it must take, to not only name your school in a skidmark state like Ohio after a place people actually want to go, but then to also insist that you be referred to not as “Miami of Ohio,” you know, a name that will actually differentiate you from the school that is also called Miami, that people have actually heard of, and act as though people should know you moreso than them. The truth of the matter is, the future commission-only sales agents at Miami University get a little defensive when you refer to them as “the OTHER Miami.” However when your most well known alum is a no-helmet-wearing borderline-illiterate who hasn’t quite figured out the definition of “no,” you lose all right to argue about your name.

On the ice, the RedHawks are as much a disgrace as Roethlisberger. It is, of course, best known for what is undoubtedly the biggest chokejob in the history of hockey. Up two goals in the final minute of the national championship game, head coach Rico Blasi watched his roster of fortunate stiffs give up a pair and eventually lose in overtime to Boston University, and noted scumbucket Jack Parker. Fortunately for Blasi, he had already won the Spencer Penrose Award at that point, and unfortunately for anyone sane, there’s neither a way to strip him of that award, nor give any him hardware as the architect of the worst collapse of all time.

And oh, the players! The current Miami of Ohio roster reads like a list of trailer park brood who are about to dine on for the first time in weeks on a feast of delicious, free pretzels: Cody, Garrett, Curtis, Alden, Jimmy, Cameron, Austin, Reilly, Connor, Tyler, Byron. Obviously while the list is similar to what you’d find in your local third grade classroom, the hockey talent is lacking.

Junior forward Reilly Smith was named a Hobey Baker Award finalist, which we wager has more to do with nepotism and/or a need for the committee to help the less fortunate, than it does with any measurable hockey skill. While Smith posted a 27-16-43 line this year, only 18 of his goals came in (weak) league play, the rest coming against what has to be one of the softest non-conference schedules in the nation. It included Colgate and a PAIR against Alabama-Huntsville. While we’re sure Reilly is adept at scoring in the CCHA, which is like David Ortiz entering a home run derby in which he is allowed to swing a metal bat at tennis balls, it will be interesting to watch him go up against some real defensemen like Chad Ruhwedel, Zack Kamrass and Jake Suter, who aren’t the junior B flops that litter Miami of Ohio’s schedule. And by “interesting” we mean “we hope he doesn’t cry on the ice because we don’t have the stomach for that.”

What it boils down to is a classic hockey battle: A speedy, skilled and deadly eastern team going up against a bunch of 6-foot-2 Midwestern NAHL rejects who will look to clutch, grab and deploy tire spikes in a futile attempt to slow our beloved River Hawks down. We’re not saying we’re expecting a dirty game from the RedHawks, but would it really surprise anyone to see Blasi bent over the boards unleashing a Spy Hunter-esque oil slick from his hair to trip up Scott Wilson? We would argue no, it would not.

If you need any further convincing that our ‘Hawks have fate on their side, look no further than your wallet. Grab a one-dollar bill and check out the United States Presidential Seal. Think about the symbolism there. The Miami of Ohio RedHawk faces to the left, toward the olive branch. Peace. Diplomacy. Kowtowing. Appeasement. The River Hawk faces right. The slings and arrows of war. Conquest. Annihilation. Blood. Miami of Ohio is in for a world of hurt this Friday, and we almost feel bad that they were dropped smack dab in the middle of Lowell’s jaunty run to the Frozen Four.

Almost.

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37 Comments leave one →
  1. Cameron permalink
    March 21, 2012 3:27 pm

    I’m a Redhawk fan, and this was a hilarious article, it was a lot of fun to read! (even though I disagree with almost all of it) I’ll be in Bridgeport on Friday and looking forward to an awesome game!

  2. March 21, 2012 3:38 pm

    Is it Lowell University, Lowell College, UMass Lowell or UMass at Lowell? And WTF is a River Hawk? Enjoy your brief stay in the tournament, which you don’t know how to pronounce correctly. Or park. Or car etc.

    • March 23, 2012 4:23 pm

      The Redhawks couldn’t beat UMass-Worcester the way they’re playing tonight.

  3. March 21, 2012 3:41 pm

    If David Ortiz was hitting tennis balls with a metal bat in a home run derby, he wouldn’t hit any over the fence. Your analogy is terrible. Your article is unreasonably biased. I can’t wait to watch Tyler Biggs check Scott Wilson over the boards into Lowell’s sorry bench.

    I’ve never even heard of Lowell.

    Big Ben never actually graduated so he is not technically an alum, but good try.

    Your site is sub-par.

    Good day to you, sir

    • RHHB permalink
      March 21, 2012 3:42 pm

      “Your article is unreasonably biased.”

      That Miami of Ohio education is really paying off for you clods, eh?

      • March 21, 2012 6:19 pm

        @RHHB, My Sincerest apologies,

        I was writing that comment whilst studying for an exam that will further help me one day manage or run the company that you “University of UMass-Lowell College” students will end up working for once you graduate thanks to “Daddy’s ” connections. By all means though continue to call out my poor grammar. Humorous when it comes from someone that lives in the region with the most absurd accents who can’t seem to pronounce anything correctly. Feel me, eh?

        @Alan, well the school doesn’t seem to think so as they turned down a large donation from him because 1. He was an hour short of technically graduating, and 2. They didn’t want to be used as a way for him to fix his image. He is not involved in anything at Miami anymore and our fearless leader (Brad Bates) is the only here that has a relationship with him
        anymore

        @Tape, While Sheboygan and Chaboigan sound the same, the first is a city and the second is a name. Nice try though

        Love and Honor

    • Alan permalink
      March 21, 2012 3:53 pm

      You don’t have to graduate to be an alum. Roethlisberger is certainly a Cryami of Blowhio alum, and a rapist.

      • RHHB permalink
        March 21, 2012 3:54 pm

        Please note the above comment was left by an Amherst fan, who must surely have had his parole officer read the post to him, then transcribe that response.

      • March 26, 2012 9:14 am

        RE: Alan’s Permalink 3-21–This comment is beneath anyone with an IQ over 50. It is also LIBEL when Mr. Roethlisberger has never been convicted of Rape, nor even arrested for it.

        The Dictator of Tampa Bay

    • Tape permalink
      March 21, 2012 4:55 pm

      You spelled “Sheboygan” incorrectly.

  4. Alan permalink
    March 21, 2012 3:55 pm

    M-O-O-N, that spells rapist.

  5. March 21, 2012 4:07 pm

    Yeah, the CCHA is pretty bad. Only has five teams in the NCAA tournament this year, more than any other conference. And do you know what the word “nepotism” means? Reilly Smith is up for the Hobey…because of his father?

    And go ahead and bring up the choke job in the national title game. We all remember, and nobody likes talking about it. You know what though? At least our hockey program has a legacy worth talking about. We have now been to the NCAA tournament the past SEVEN YEARS, while you are making your first appearance in 16 years, and only the fourth overall.

    And I won’t even bring up the lack of players you have in the NHL, compared to our laundry list. The fact that you are unfamiliar with us makes me happy; programs like yours have long since been off our radar.

    • Rich permalink
      March 22, 2012 5:13 am

      History wont help when we their asses tomorrow night!

  6. Carly permalink
    March 21, 2012 4:21 pm

    First, I never insist that we be called “Miami of Ohio,” on the grounds that our college was founded while Florida still belonged to the Spanish. Second, I would not call anyone who can afford to come to this school “trailer trash.”

  7. Monty permalink
    March 21, 2012 4:30 pm

    I have to give Cameron credit for having a sense of humor. He’s about the only one from Miami (of OHIO) apparently.

    It’s too bad Miami’s not playing BU … you could have a contest of people who choose not to listen to the word “no.”

  8. March 21, 2012 4:55 pm

    I go to Miami and I actually think this is pretty funny. (Although like Cameron said, I disagree with a few points, but whatever.) I mean, come on guys, it’s SUPPOSED to be biased, seeing as it’s an independent blog written by two guys who I’m assuming either attend or at one point attended Lowell.

    So just take it with a grain of salt and laugh along with it. We’ll let our play do the talking on Friday and hopefully prove them wrong. Go RedHawks!

  9. GoHawks permalink
    March 21, 2012 4:55 pm

    Funny article. But i’m predicting 9-0 Miami.

    • Rich permalink
      March 22, 2012 5:14 am

      You clearly have not seen Doug Carr play then

      • Dave permalink
        March 22, 2012 9:09 pm

        Who the F is Doug Carr?

      • Dave permalink
        March 22, 2012 9:15 pm

        Ok, I looked it up. Doug Carr is top 10 in GAA (#9), save% (#8t), and shutouts (#10). Would normally not be a bad thing to brag about, unless your opponent has Connor Knapp, who beats him in all three categories (#1, 2, 4t). Nice try though.

  10. muguy permalink
    March 21, 2012 6:07 pm

    You have to love when someone writes a piece like this and completely blows it. Much like a grammar nazi that misspells words.

  11. Col. Panic permalink
    March 21, 2012 6:40 pm

    “Chad”, “Jake”, and “Zack”. You bring up the MU roster and you have this group that sounds like a Chicopee boy band?

    BTW, Riley Wetmore. Seriously? Spells his first name wrong, and do I even have to get to the last name? My distant cousin from Western Mass spells his name Riley, too, and he’s in prison.

  12. Masshole @ Miami permalink
    March 21, 2012 6:55 pm

    I’m from the Boston area and am currently at Miami University. The UMass schools are a complete joke, let alone UMass-Lowell. Miami on the other hand has one of the best business schools in the country and one of the best hockey programs in the country.

    If and when I return back East and I’m running a company someday, I promise you I won’t be hiring ANYONE from UMass-Lowell.

    Nice try there Lowell.

    • MASSHOLE@UML permalink
      March 22, 2012 8:20 pm

      Funny thing, I am also from the Boston Area, and am currently attending the University of Massachusetts Lowell. I guess I need to teach you [arrogant prick] a bit of humility. Brief Profile of UML. Only school in New England besides MIT with a working research rector on Campus. Average Starting Salary 5k more than your vaunted business school. Accredited Business program of the same caliber as Harvard Business. Oh and for a Mass Citizen you have very little understanding of one of the top three state systems in the country.

      But this is just coming from someone who had a good enough resume not to have Daddy pay for me to go to a private school with the same level of program.

      Sincerely,
      Refund Checks are a beautiful thing

      ps. its hard to run a business when you’re 200k in debt
      pps. “and that means it’s time to throw rational, fact-driven commentary out the window.” you got trolled

      • RHHB permalink
        March 23, 2012 4:01 am

        Hahaha owned.

    • March 23, 2012 4:21 pm

      http://www.quickmeme.com/meme/3og0pr/

  13. Jbeck permalink
    March 22, 2012 3:36 am

    Hey umass Lowell fan , miamimfans chant the goal total after each Miami score,so you will know ,with no requirement to be able to read the scoreboard ,how badly you lose!

    • Rich permalink
      March 22, 2012 5:16 am

      We actually watch the game after we score a goal and don’t get distracted with stupid chants…. Other than of course telling your goalie he’s a sieve and he sucks

  14. Jbeck permalink
    March 22, 2012 3:54 am

    Correction,it is pronounced. U. Ass. Howell.

  15. Mike permalink
    March 22, 2012 5:52 am

    Recent Miami grad here and I think the article was quite entertaining. It is meant to be biased, and it’s all in fun. Tomorrow should be a great game, but I just can’t picture UMASS-Lowell winning against a very talented, young, RedHawk squad.

    Miami – 3
    UMASS of Lowell- 1

  16. Monty permalink
    March 22, 2012 5:59 am

    I must say, I expected to see some humorous responses this morning that I hadn’t seen last night, I’m just thoroughly disappointed. “U. Ass. Howell.” That’s the best you can do?

    • March 23, 2012 9:59 am

      The best we can do? No. But at this point, based on what I’ve gathered from reading two or three posts on this blog, it is evident that I can’t express how goddamn stupid each and every single post is monosyllabically enough for any regular reader to actually discern what the hell I’m saying.

      simply, you’re not worth the effort.

      • Monty permalink
        March 24, 2012 6:12 am

        Chris … let me make this “monosyllabically” simple for you. “You lost.”

  17. D. Smith permalink
    March 22, 2012 6:17 am

    Seems fitting that students and alumnus of a “business school” would not have critical skills in reading comprehension or knowledge of classic distopian literary works.

    That being said. The LAR Rivermen will give the Redhawks a run for their flyover state money.

  18. Golden Eagle Hockey permalink
    March 22, 2012 8:00 am

    Sweet article. Miami of Ohio is a joke. It’s the ultimate safety school that’s convinced itself it’s something oh so much more. The reality is that it’s full of Ohio kids who couldn’t get into Ohio State and out of state kids who couldn’t get into [insert school that dashed their dreams here].

    Time for someone to once again send the self-proclaimed Miami of Ohio dynasty back to Ohio holding nothing more in their hands than their own……

  19. TJDubs permalink
    March 22, 2012 4:49 pm

    Lowell was the dimwitted guy from the old sitcom “Wings.” The writers must have known something when they named him …

  20. Monty permalink
    March 24, 2012 6:13 am

    So what happened to the 9-0 predictions?

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