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This Week in Disrespect: Kings of the road

November 9, 2011

We’ll admit, we’ve been a little lax in patrolling for disrespect so far this season.

Unfortunately, that’s just the way it goes when the team we love so dearly had just five wins last season, and really, it didn’t even feel like that many. We totally understand why and how people can overlook Lowell as a not-very-good team. The UConn loss sure didn’t help.

But some knuckle-dragging fanboys just take it too far.

Let’s say, just as a for-instance, you were a BU student. If it helps get you into the mindset, we recommend you cut some hearts out of red construction paper and put them around pictures of John Curry and practice kissing with a mannequin head onto which you have pasted Jack Parker’s photo. Then paint your face in an embarrassing fashion, put on a costume and shout a series of dumb chants about Jerry York (Parker’s far more successful archrival) while you watch your favorite hockey team lose to Holy Cross.

Now that you’re in the zone — that zone being the one where you’re proud to go to a hellhole like T’s Pub after a game so you can brag to your degenerate friends that you looked at Sahir Gill, who you thought was supposed to be in one of your classes this semester (they keep calling his name for attendance) but you haven’t seen him yet this year for some strange reason — let’s say you want to start a blog. Cool, go ahead and open the Blogspot home page and click that “Get started” button.

Before you do anything else, and this is the important part, suffer a debilitating brain injury.

For one particularly loathsome group of current BU students, this is exactly the thing that happened. Not only does their site’s name — “Bay State (Road) Sports” — absolutely stink (it’s not that we don’t get the reference), but it’s also the worst-written team blog in Hockey East and, we’d wager, the known galaxy.

BSRS (gotta give ’em this: the first two letters of that acronym stringently adhere to truth-in-advertising laws) is not so much a site on which the proprietors discuss their feelings about Boston University’s so-so hockey team, but rather where a support group of and for manic depressives with third-grade educations who somehow conned their way into the college system gather to pound out a string of poorly-considered and even-more-poorly-written thoughts. This, readers, is the problem with the democratization of information.

And of course, given that the Terriers’ opponents this past weekend were the mighty River Hawks of Lowell, our alma mater fell into their crosshairs for a weekly preview, and we were just lucky that all the mouthbreathing kept their shots considerably off-target.

Obviously, consider this whole thing [sic]’ed because, well, you’ll see…

Weekend Preview: November 4 and 5

After a hard fought 3 point weekend against UMass – Amherst…

Making sure to include the “Amherst” in Amherst’s name? Okay, so they’re not ALL bad. And by the way, it was only hard-fought (note hyphen use!) because the Terriers aren’t very good and made it that way.

this past weekend, your Terriers face another branch of the UMass system this weekend.  That’s right, BU will travel up to everybody’s favorite mill town turned heroin dealing hotspot on Saturday for a one night stand with the River Hawks.  Here’s what to look for on this post-Halloween weekend…

As you’ll soon find out, “Coherent thought” didn’t make the cut. Incidentally, if you count the number of times they use the same word twice per sentence in the posts we’re about to cover, your brain will melt.

WE’RE GOING STREAKING

Really, an Old School reference? What is this, 2006?

BU’s own Matt Nieto is currently in the midst of a potentially historical streak.  

“Potentially historical.” From a group of kids beaking us about admission standards all week? Yikes.

Dating back to last season’s Hockey East quarterfinals against Northeastern, Nieto has scored in 8 straight games. 8.

A single numeral isn’t a sentence. Also, those opponents have been, in order: Northeastern twice, UNH, Providence, Denver, Holy Cross, and Amherst twice. Looking at that list, you’d have to say that two of those opponents, UNH and Denver, are actual good hockey teams. And that’s if you ignore that UNH started out the year allowing 16 goals per game. And we don’t.

To put that into perspective, the current NCAA points leader hasn’t even recorded a point in his last 8 games, never mind a goal.  

Well first of all, that’s because, like all sane people, sites like USCHO and College Hockey Stats don’t keep statistics like that going from one year to another, which is stupid. Second, even if you’re going by that absurd metric, this type of comparison means nothing. Would you rather have a guy who scores one goal a game or has two points or more in three of his last four? Hmm, that’s a real tough one.

If he can score on Saturday,

He couldn’t.

he’ll tie Chris Drury’s best streak of 9 straight games with goals.

He didn’t. (And incidentally is “Chris Drury’s best streak” exclusive to Chris Drury or could Nieto have tied him for the title of “Chris Drury’s best streak?”)

Let’s see if Matt can even hit double digits…

He can’t.

How’s the Weather Down There?

Once again, [redacted] Lowell finds themselves in the cellar of Hockey East.

At the time Lowell had played two league games. Against BC. While most other teams were up around five. And also this “in the cellar” thing wasn’t categorically true because Vermont had played more and won none of them, and not one of those had been against the No. 1 team in the country. But hey, whatever.

Having already dropped their first two in conference games (albeit both to BC),…

Right…?

Lowell looks to be on a one way ticket right back to the bottom of Hockey East.  

So are the River Hawks already at the bottom of Hockey East or are they on their way there? So confusing.

And to those Lowell fans who think that the future is bright, let me just remind you guys that you won 4 Hockey East games last year. 4.

Again, a single numeral is not a sentence. But we must concede, this point is actually true. Past performance has been proven to be an accurate predictor of future results 100 percent of the time. That’s why every team which won the first championship ever in their respective leagues have gone on to win that title in each successive year. Congratulations to the Green Bay Packers on winning all 45 Super Bowls so far. We don’t know why they even play them at this point.

Good luck climbing out of that hole.

Stepping on BU’s on Saturday head really helped!

They Give You the Pads for a Reason…

In 5 overall games this season, UML goalies have allowed 16 goals this season, …

This season this season. Who edits this stuff? Oh, imbeciles. Right.

a number which wouldn’t be that bad if they had scored more than 15 of their own goals.

Not that we expect a BU fan to recognize good goaltending when they see it these days, but allowing 16 goals in five games actually isn’t very good at all. Scoring 15 kind of is. And more to the point, 10 of those 16 allowed came against BC (again, bad!), so it’s not like they’ve been bleeding goals all season. We digress.

If you aren’t going to blow the doors off offensively, you gotta stop the puck from going in the net…

Hey, someone tell Kieran Millan!

– and the revolving door of goalies which UML employs have not been able to do that.

Are goalies traditionally stored in revolving doors? And also, they don’t employ them. See, despite what Maine would have you believe, you’re not allowed to compensate NCAA athletes with anything but a free college education, a place to stay and some food. That’s it. Thus, Lowell does not employ any of its players. A semantical argument, yes, especially if you mean “employ” like “use” and not “pay a wage in exchange for work,” but we’ve read the rest of your blog and aren’t willing to give your vocabulary that type of credit.

In 5 tilts, they’ve allowed 16 goals, … 

You said that already.

good for a 3.19 goals against average, and a .863 save percentage.

Read that part aloud. “A eight-sixty-three save percentage.” This does not speak well for BU’s English department.

Yikes. Hey guys, just a tip – try using the blocker once in a while.

This blog is rife with great goaltending advice. Seriously, someone print this out for Millan and Grant Rollheiser. From what we saw Saturday, they need the help.

Stay tuned to the blog for our Hockey East picks in the next few days!

But before they could get to that (surprisingly, all four of the people responsible for this disaster picked BU by two or more!), they took the time to make the only good decision of their blogging careers. They stole one of our obviously-great ideas: searching the internet for bulletin board material. But as you might expect, we take their pale imitation not as flattery, but as flagrant misappropriation of our intellectual property and they will soon be hearing from our lawyers. This is a level of disrespect we cannot begin to comprehend, making it the perfect complement to their writing.

Anti-trap game rant- Coach Parker, feel free to use this before the game

It looks like he did, because everyone on the team was so clearly confused by these incoherent jabberings that their brains simply shut down after just 16 seconds of ice time. To be fair, that was a strong 16 seconds.

*The following post could be considered offensive by some people

“Some people,” presumably being “fans of the written word.”

-So the knock on the BU hockey game so far this year…

Game? Team? What’s the difference?

has been the inconsistency from game to game. Granted it is early in the year but fans have a short grace period after the last two seasons of inconsistency. This has been true so far this year as well… up UNH, down PC, up Denver, down Holy Cross, and then they fought from deficits to earn 3 out of 4 points from UMass- Amherst.

So what’s the argument here? BU has indeed been wildly inconsistent from one night to the next, and beating Denver before losing to Holy Cross in consecutive games is pretty much the dictionary definition of that. Ah, but perhaps we’re failing to understand some sort of deranged nuance they’re trying to advance. After all, we’re not chemically imbalanced.

Some haters are saying Coach Parker can’t motivate the team anymore. I personally don’t believe that and expect to see our first complete effort of the season this Saturday night.

Point 1 here is a free tip for anyone over the age of 12 who wants to be taken seriously: If you use the word “hater,” everyone thinks you’re developmentally disabled, and rightly so. Point 2: Bad beat on that expectation of yours.

But, to leave nothing to chance in this weekend with a single game at the lowly [redacted]-Lowell(home of crack and trap games), I am going to motivate the team myself because the whole team obviously reads this crappy blog.

Bad beat on that as well. Except the “crappy blog” part. That was on point.

Here is a collection of bulletin board material from this week. If you don’t like it stop reading here…

We should have heeded the warning.

First off, I am going to show how some of the ‘experts’ out there don’t think you even belong in the discussion among the best teams in the conference…

Why is “experts” in quotes as if to suggest that they are not actually experts? They’re right.

“Let’s go obvious…Maine, BC, Merrimack are all as good as advertised:…But the fact that each of the clubs came away with wins in each of these games is an early, and important, proving point that all can win.” This was Jim Connolly from USCHO who went out of his way to state that Maine, BC, and Merrimack are as good as advertised while conveniently leaving out BU.

Right. What’s the problem? (Apart from Maine being as good as advertised. Unless he’s saying they were advertised as mediocre, which is accurate.)

[Curse word] that. Prove this idiot wrong. Crush Lowell.

Mission: Not accomplished. In fact, the inverse is true.

This clown is writing you off after six games like the media hack that he is. Maine has proven more than you supposedly despite taking 1 point from a middle of the road North Dakota team and losing at home to Merrimack.

Teams Maine didn’t lose to include Holy Cross.

BC and Merrimack are good but haven’t played a rigorous schedule so far and BU atleast deserves to be in the discussion.

Hmm, nope. But we suppose not everyone can play Amherst twice.

Second off, he(Connolly) thinks Lowell is better than you…“[redacted]-Lowell gets my vote for most improved…Coach Norm Bazin has this team playing a high octane game, transitioning quickly from defense to offense and shooting from anywhere.”

Well that’s not what that says. The level of reading comprehension is just slightly below “cab driver.” Connelly (note the proper spelling of his name) says Lowell is the most improved team in the league, not that it’s better or worse than anyone. And hell, having two wins from their first five games (at the time; now it’s three in six!) actually probably does make it the most improved team in Hockey East. Damned by faint praise and all that, obviously, but the team won just five last year, so getting 60 percent of the way there through six games is, well, it’s something at least.

As Denny Green once said, “Why don’t you just crown their asses then?”. He thinks Lowell is most improved and will probably pick them to beat you.

Oh how prescient he would have looked then!

Prove this clown wrong and send the [curse word]hole of a city that is Lowell back to their respective crackhouses.

This is an extremely bizarre scenario. First, the city of Lowell is, apparently, multiple entities (as indicated by the use of “their”) living in multiple structures. Apparently, however many things the city of Lowell is are also chemically dependent on crack cocaine to the point where they convene with other addicts and dealers of these and other illicit narcotics in dilapidated structures to buy and use them. Further, a loss by the Lowell River Hawks to the Boston University Terriers would be so difficult for the entities making up the city to handle that they would seek shelter from their woes in these illegal drugs. So we must ask: if we allow that the city itself is more than one entity living in different locations, where are these “crack houses” located? Are they within the city limits? Outside them? If within, then does the city collapse on itself when the entities retire there? If without, what happens when they go there? How does this affect zoning laws, neighboring towns’ borders and the like? And if the city does go to several houses, how many houses is that? How big are these houses? Does it all fit? Given the law of conservation of matter, how dense are these entities if they’re fitting into houses at all? Can the floorboards support them or do they have to remain in the basement?

Pressing questions, all. But perhaps they simply mean the residents of the city of Lowell, not the city itself. So why didn’t they just say that?

Third, while he is building up your opponents, he is tearing you down like the idiot he is… “BU and Umass, despite playing an entertaining series, have some big problems to address. For BU it is a slow start. Both nights this weekend, the Terriers behind the Minutemen…But BU fell behind early to other teams namely Providence and Holy Cross and those games resulted in losses.” Hey thanks captain obvious.

It’s weird. We can’t imagine Jimmy Connelly writing things like, “Both nights this weekend, the Terriers behind the Minutemen,” and “…to other teams namely Providence and Holy Cross…” Which leads us to believe these clowns are editing his writing without informing the reader. Seems awful disingenuous and actually, makes us wonder about what words he may be putting into Connelly’s mouth to reinforce his own insipid points.

And here’s another free tip: No one who’s not your mom has said “Captain Obvious” since 1997. Your doing it makes you look like an idiot, which probably happens a lot, actually. And yes, Connelly is writing obvious things, but we’re not sure the point of his work for USCHO is to deceive the reader with subterfuge and intrigue.

We’re trying to move past PC and HC games after learning from them not remember them.

What do you think happened during the writing of this sentence? Aneurism? We’ll guess aneurism.

Why don’t you mention how we(BU not me personally- I am aware I am not on the team) fought back in each one of those games, tying PC and coming within one against HC.

COMING WITHIN ONE AGAINST HOLY CROSS. That’s getting an asterisk, right there. Everyone stop the season and let’s have another parade down Comm Ave because BU came within one against Holy Cross*! What an achievement.

Take a positive spin on BU for once instead of being a biased BC fan clearly. Shutup this superfraud and destroy Lowell.

Edit- * Connolly released this article today which just restates what he already said claiming BU has a major “red flag” since they have faced some early deficits.

Hey when did “shut up” become one word? Also, let’s chuckle together at the phrasing of “a biased BC fan clearly.”

Connelly went to Lowell, which is why he’s smarter and better at writing about hockey than you. And while you’re editing things, you might wanna give another quick once-over to everything else you’ve ever written.

Then there’s some stuff in there about what an Amherst blog (the worse-than-ours-but-better-than-everyone-else Fear the Triangle, for the record) thinks and blah blah blah. Who cares? If your opinion is coming from west of Lowell, or indeed north, south or east of it, we don’t want to hear it.

Anyway, back to the good stuff…

Now, we have the great Lowell “Ice is Life” blog…

So he has a bit of taste.

hating on our season so far and thinking they have a chance this weekend. Let’s make these thoughts go away by the end of the first period with a nice big 4-0 lead for Millan. 

We don’t recall BU having scheduled The Ice is Life for a game this weekend. We don’t think we’d have done too well. There’s only two us. But given Millan’s play we would have at least put up a field goal.

And surprise, surprise: We were right. Like always. We did it. As usual. We said that Lowell had a chance to win and it won in hilarious fashion. Like clockwork. We remain unassailable geniuses whose hockey knowledge and blogging skills are unrivaled anywhere in the world. But you knew that already.

First, “The only favored team to not earn all four points this weekend was BU, which settled for three from UMass Amherst, drawing 2-all on Friday out west before coming back to the big city and coming back from a three-goal first-period deficit to win 5-4 in overtime.” Okay, so that isn’t negative but [swear word] it.

Look if you’re fishing for disrespect you have to actually find it before you can complain about it. That’s Disrespect 101. We’ve already graduated with doctorates.

Don’t rub it in that we didn’t get all four points.

We’ll decline your invitation and thank you to never attempt giving us blogging advice again.

Hey 3 points is greater than 0.

That BU education is paying off already.

Their quotes continue though, with(referring to Matt Nieto’s goal streak) “Yeah against Amherst. Who cares? Pendenza could that in his sleep. And as for his performance this season, putting up points against the likes of Holy Cross and UNH isn’t something to be bragging about. Get a life, fan boy.” Oh yeah? beating Denver doesn’t mean anything? They are better than Minnesota State I will throw the house/dorm on that one.

YOU MUST BE STRONG!!!! But seriously, that’s a gross misrepresentation of the facts. The first line they quoted was from our weekend in review post last week, the second is from a comment we left on it. Again, you’re being disingenuous.

Shut these guys up and do it quick. I don’t want to listen to these drug dealers still screaming about Micky Ward is the ‘pride of Lowell’. We all know crack is the real pride of Lowell.

For the record, that’s three drug “jokes” in two posts. We wouldn’t even expect the clowns from Fight Mass to write that terribly. By the way, BU’s performance did not shut us up. If anything, it made us talk a little louder.

Then, they follow up those two gems with “”Only one game this weekend, against a BU team that took 3 point from Amherst, but is winless on the road. Let’s hope that streak stays alive.” Yeah,yeah we’ve only played two road games you idiot.

And failed to win any of them. Why are we idiots for pointing this point, exactly?

It isn’t like we are in January and still don’t have a road win like Lowell last year. First and only road win was 1/21 @ Merrimack of all places. That was also your only road win but hey 1-13-4 is a decent road record no worries. 

Hey was that Lowell’s only road win last year? We’re a bit unclear on that.

Look, we think you’d be hard-pressed to find bigger critics of last year’s team than us, but this is a decent enough point. Or at least it would be if we were comparing Lowell of last year to BU of this year, which we were not. Incidentally, Lowell opened this season with two wins on the road. The same cannot be said of BU, which is now 0-2-1 away from Agganis.

Once again, shut these idiots up. Haters are going to hate alot less if we go out there and play as Coach Parker would say “thorough” hockey.

“Haters” are apparently free to continue to hate, the only thing thorough about BU’s play on Saturday was its unmatched ugliness.

Then we got one more great quote from the Lowell fans with this one tonight ““ You lost to HC who lost to UCONN who beat us so we re not that bad.” Oh ok buddy whatever helps you sleep at night.

We did not say this, because saying that would be Bay State Road Sports-level stupid. But sure, why not continue outright lying to your readers?

So if the team did read this then hopefully they will have even more motivation than they already have to bury these guys this weekend. If you are a Lowell fan and going to whine in the comment section, please do. It is strongly encouraged. Don’t get too far from that crack pipe though or the withdrawals will take over and you won’t be able to type. Go BU!

We hope they read it. We really do.

As for their post-game wrap-up of Saturday’s debacle, we won’t bother breaking it down because every time we read one of their posts, our brains shut down fractions of a percent more. But suffice it to say the post leads with a picture of people jumping off a cliff, which seems appropriate.

If we wrote like posts that, we’d do the same.

7 Comments leave one →
  1. November 9, 2011 11:22 am

    This may be the best blog entry ever written.

  2. jrobes01 permalink
    November 9, 2011 11:30 am

    Absolutely mauled that BS blog. Best TWiD ever (or at least until Lowell plays Amherst).

  3. The Hat permalink
    November 9, 2011 12:16 pm

    Read that part aloud. “A eight-sixty-three save percentage.” This does not speak well for BU’s English department.

    No no you have it all wrong, they’re pronouncing the “point” in .863

  4. November 9, 2011 4:18 pm

    As a UMass fan, rarely do I agree on anything with a Lowell fan. In this case, I’ll make an exception. Well done.

  5. Monty permalink
    November 9, 2011 4:56 pm

    This is why I missed this blog. I laughed constantly while reading, very well done boys.

  6. November 9, 2011 8:45 pm

    Thank God you are back.

  7. Gainzo permalink
    November 10, 2011 9:33 am

    Hilarious. Good to have you back!

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