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Saturday thoughts: Havin’ a laugh

February 7, 2010

We can’t make it another four weeks. Not if they keep playing like this anyway.

For the third straight game Lowell never got itself going offensively or defensively and there was never a point at which we felt as though Lowell would actually win for longer than, say, a minute.

It’s become the frustrating hallmark of this team that it will get outshot handily in the first period and not be down by any considerable amount, and as an observer you almost allow yourself to believe that things will snap back into their proper place at some point like a rubber band stretched to absurd lengths until it becomes a grotesque distortion of what it once was, and then is released and regains its original shape with furious violence.

But Lowell never snapped back and was stretched to the point of breaking, its lifeless corpse lying coldly and irreparably damaged.

Three weeks ago we were lamenting that it had just loss to Amherst twice, yes, but things weren’t so bad back then. The offense was still dictatorial and all the Amherst goals seemed to come against the run of play. Two weeks ago, our belief that Lowell could win with ease against anyone simply through efforting its way through a game was reinforced by the 3-1 win over BC even after a shaky 5-4 win against tonight’s opponent, Merrimack.

And now all that’s gone.

Really, we may as well write the annual season postmortem right now, because there’s nothing in this team that would inspire us to believe it can rebound from this latest string of losses. There’s no excuse for scorelines of 1-2, 2-3 and 1-3 against teams that were, at the time of those losses, eighth, sixth and ninth. There’s no excuse for a 101-63 shot differential in those games.

To say that we were upset with this team for the Northeastern loss would be accurate. To say we were upset with it for the BU loss would be underselling the situation. But to say that we are now upset with the Merrimack loss would be at once calling the Hindenburg disaster the popping of a small balloon in Lakehurst and no longer entirely accurate. We’re officially amused by how terribly this team is playing without Jeremy Dehner. It seems as though every skater may as well be coasting around with a cartoonish question mark floating above his head. No one has any idea what’s happening any more.

Anything we could say about the Merrimack game tonight was said about the BU game last night and the Northeastern game last Friday. It’s not that the games were effort-deficient because we’re sure Lowell must have been trying. No team could give less than 140 percent effort and do that badly. You can’t miss that many easy shots, have that many passes that should be tape-to-tape go awry and for icing, have power plays that look that bad, fire into that many diving defenders, start breakouts that sputter out by the time they reach the faceoff circles, give up that many shorthanded chances (another two tonight!) or commit turnovers that egregious without working your asses off to do it every shift for 180 inglorious minutes in a row. The attention to detail is there for sure.

By the time the third period rolled around and Lowell had already been outshot 25-10, we were in hysterics. Every errant pass, every offside call. We were laughing until our faces hurt. We’re going to have to make doctor’s appointments this week to treat our rather severe cases of busted gut and slapped knee. This level of comical ineptitude can typically only be found in Peter Sellers’ legendary portrayal of Inspector Clouseau. All that Lowell lacks to match that kind of commitment to comedic excellence is David Vallorani skating headlong into the boards, forcing them give way and then tumbling down a flight of stairs. The way this team is playing, it could happen next week.

But what’s more likely to happen next week is nothing short of a wholesale butchery at the hands of Boston College, which has outscored its opponents 18-3 in its last three games. That’s four and a half times more goals than Lowell has scored in that same stretch (Lowell, by comparison, has scored 21 goals in its last eight games, and allowed 22). A weekend against that BC team is exactly what Lowell needs right now to not only hammer the casket shut but to then drop that casket out of a plane into a swelling volcano before launching a hydrogen bomb at the whole mess.

We’d die laughing.

One Comment leave one →
  1. justin permalink
    February 7, 2010 6:35 pm

    Sorry. This can’t be fun.

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