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Two Minutes’ Hate: Not just whistlin’ Dixie

November 11, 2009

There are a lot of things we hate in this world: disrespect, Boston University, Joe Bertagna, disrespect, the comfortability of the Big Three, Tim Benedetto, UNH, disrespect and disrespect.

But there’s one thing we have always secretly hated more than all of those things put together. That would be a little place called The pickup truck-drivin’, pro wrestling-believin’, Blue Collar Comedy-laughin’, George Wallace-votin’, Intelligent Design-learnin’, banjo-pickin’, raccoon-huntin’, Earnhardt-missin’, “I tell ye w-hat”-sayin’, xenophobia-promotin’, gun-shootin’, tooth-lackin’, Dukes of Hazzard-watchin’, Republican-lovin’, rodeo-enjoyin’, Klan-supportin’, tuhbackee-spittin’, institutionalized racism-havin’ by God South.

We’ve been lucky enough to travel all over this great country of ours while fortunately avoiding any place south of the Mason-Dixon line. The reason why is two-fold:

1) There’s no hockey worth seeing. What are we going to do, watch the Atlanta Thrashers? Are we some kind of animals?

2) Y’ever see that movie Deliverance? What about The Hills Have Eyes? Or Mississippi Burning? There are like 12 states EXACTLY LIKE THAT.

This isn’t to say that everywhere, y’know, down there is a black hole of ignorance and hatred, but.. well, yeah it is. There is absolutely nothing to like about the South, which we believe is only a part of this country in the way that Alaska and Hawaii are (barely). And now Lowell, a symbol of everything that’s good about the Northern way of life — industrialization, tolerance, personal hygiene — has to go down there on what we can only imagine is some sort of missionary campaign for more moderate use of the term “sumbitch?” It doesn’t seem fair.

Couldn’t the ignoble task of playing AT Alabama-Huntsville have fallen to a lesser team? Your Robert Morrises. Your AICs. Your Vermonts. Lowell is, frankly, above this. Do you think Ben Holmstrom should have to worry about whether or not some sunken-eyed misappropriation of genetic material will try to sell him a pair of overalls? There should not have to be the very real threat that Chris Auger will be eaten by a gator. Providence is the farthest south we want Jeremy Dehner being. All of this concern is for their own good.

Some of you might say that this unfortunate trip is due to Lowell hosting Huntsville two seasons ago and, we should add, beating their damn brains in. And technically that’s probably correct, but it doesn’t make it any less upsetting. Lowell inviting that, let’s face it, inferior team to come up here, where the mosquitos are normal-sized and not referred to as “skeeters,” was in many ways rather gracious. Lowell could have padded its schedule with any ol’ small-conference punching bag, but the ‘Hawks chose Huntsville because they wanted to show them things could be better.

Up here, where it’s not 90 degrees with 123 percent humidity in February, things are nice. There’s running water, homes aren’t portable, using the internet doesn’t take up a phone line and some phones, in fact, are even portable. Places of business are open past 7 p.m., and on Sundays. You can get food that isn’t necessarily chicken-fried. It’s technically illegal to drop out of school in the fourth grade. There are several different words for “carbonated beverage” and none of them are “pop.” Hardly any of our bands include a washboard player. You don’t get bitten by snakes as part of your church attendance. People of different races can encounter each other, and amicably, outside of a sporting event without the use of a television. Not every ventriloquist’s dummy is a racist. Bootleggin’ isn’t a widespread law enforcement issue. Massachusetts’ wikipedia page wouldn’t list a festival like Winfield’s “Mule Day” as a major cultural event (we’re not making that up, by the way).

It’s all wonderful.

Seeing how the other (dingier) half lives? We’re square with that, yessir. We’re the kind of guys that like to believe the brilliant Randy Newman album “Good Old Boys” is unironic. And, if that’s true, then its claim that Birmingham is “the greatest city in Alabam” has our blood running cold. Without being “the greatest,” everything else is tied for dead last, right?

In the interest of investigative journalism, we went to UAH’s website and saw that they have a link to several webcams, one of which is simply labeled “possums.” What can the Chargers’ rink be like? Our guess: it has football lines on it.

That’s why we, unlike everyone else in college hockey, apparently, are not heartbroken that this fraudulent school in a run-down city that’s part of the 123rd-ranked state is probably — hopefully — going to lose its program. Put it this way: Lowell is the top-ranked school to EVER visit UAH because while all the other national powers deservedly treat the Chargers like the pariahs they are, the River Hawks are, if nothing else, humanitarians. A few vaccinations against what’s called Cottonpicker’s Lung and the boys should be good to go down there, beat the moonshine out of a few good ol’ boys and then outrace a truck with a flatbed full of angry dirt farmers wielding pitchforks to the border.

But we swear if we hear ONE of our players come back saying the words “consarn it,” we’re going to lose it.

28 Comments leave one →
  1. Keith permalink
    November 12, 2009 1:45 pm

    The extra’s in Deliverance and in particular banjo-boy were plain ol’ locals making some extra cash.

  2. November 12, 2009 8:01 pm

    Huntsville’s not like the rest of the South. I should know—my folks are from rural Mississippi and rural Alabama, and I don’t have to branch far in the family tree to find rednecks.

    But, considering that we just took the #1 team in PWR to overtime twice on our home ice, you might not want to go in thinking this is a cakewalk. This is not the team whose damn brains you beat in two years ago.

    • RHHB permalink
      November 12, 2009 8:07 pm

      We think it’s nice that you got one of your literate friends from up North to type that up for you and edit out all the racial epithets.

      • November 12, 2009 8:24 pm

        Well, I did grow up in Ohio. Like most Huntsvillians—including all our hockey players—I “ain’t from round heah”. It’s hard to find a technical professional in this town who is from here.

        That said, we do have the nation’s highest per capita concentration of Ph.D.’s, but you probably don’t believe that, either. That’s fine. :)

      • RHHB permalink
        November 12, 2009 8:34 pm

        Yeah, we’re sure sociologists, anthropologists and geneticists flock to your rural burgh to see just what makes a society of 100,000 people from one gene pool function well enough to be called a “city.”

      • November 12, 2009 8:43 pm

        I’ll stop feeding the troll and wish you success in playing on our “ice” this weekend.

      • RHHB permalink
        November 12, 2009 8:48 pm

        That’s not necessary. It’s like wishing the sun good luck rising in the morning.

  3. Steven Howard permalink
    November 12, 2009 8:42 pm

    You might want to study your subject a little more closely before spewing the vomit out of your pie hole.

    Per the US Census Bureau….

    Population – Lowell (103,229)/Huntsville (168,132)
    Median household income – Lowell ($39,192)/Huntsville ($41,074)
    High school graduates – Lowell (71.2%)/Huntsville (85.7%)
    Bachelor’s degree or higher – Lowell (18.1%)/Huntsville (36.1%)

    • RHHB permalink
      November 12, 2009 8:48 pm

      Location – Lowell: North, Huntsville: South.
      Advantage – Lowell
      Source – A map

      When your city literally invents the American Industrial Revolution, like Lowell, please don’t hesitate to feel good about it. Until then, calm down Jethro, we wouldn’t want you and Muddie Mae gettin’ “the vapors.”

      • Chris Tooley permalink
        November 13, 2009 3:06 pm

        This article is a perfectly good example of why Midwesterners consider northerners the least tolerant people in the country. I don’t know a single factory working (or farm working), blue collar, hard working American that wouldn’t rather go to a place where the people still say thank you. All my trips to the “North”, Lowell included have found me lacking any desire to return.

        Talk it up now. If you win, you beat a team from the South. If you lose, you go home with your tails between your legs and whine about how you shouldn’t have had to make the trip in the first place. All in all, maybe the game should be about the game instead of about whining that you have to make a trip to somewhere that the people are going to be much nicer to you than you are to them.

      • November 13, 2009 3:26 pm

        The whole tongue in cheek stuff just doesn’t make its way down south does it?

  4. Tom permalink
    November 12, 2009 9:02 pm

    Considering I’m not from the New England region either, I did spend time in the south(Texas in particular). I have also adopted the Alabama-Huntsville hockey team to root for because I don’t feel that they should disband the program because they can’t find a conference to play in. There should be more college hockey not less.

    • RHHB permalink
      November 12, 2009 9:03 pm

      Would it be sad that a school, any one, lost its team? Sure. Does that mean we don’t want Lowell to beat these guys 162-0 this weekend? No.

  5. November 12, 2009 9:06 pm

    I wish people would actually read more of the blog to understand what this is about. Somewhere along the way, people have just forgotten how not to take everything seriously.

    • RHHB permalink
      November 12, 2009 9:09 pm

      oh monty, you expect things like “reading” and “understanding concepts” out of people from a state that inspired the beverly hillibillies.

    • November 12, 2009 9:13 pm

      Oh, I looked around enough to decide that RHHB is just having fun. There are some Huntsville folks that are upset, but not me. I found the whole thing over-the-top to the point of satire.

      That said, dammit, don’t blame The Beverly Hillbillies on us. Them boys is from Oklahoma, and if you think Oklahoma is the South, I’m gonna shove that map of yours right up your …

      • RHHB permalink
        November 12, 2009 9:14 pm

        Newsflash: anywhere south of New York City is the South

      • November 12, 2009 9:18 pm

        Geoff, to many people in New England, anything outside of our area sucks. And most days, I include Connecticut outside our area.

  6. Catie Willis permalink
    November 12, 2009 9:32 pm

    Being from Boston and having traveled worldwide I must say that Lowell is truly the most disgusting pit on the face of this Earth that humans (and I am being very nice here) have chosen to live.

    I sincerely hope that UAH does skate all over your players turning them into pretty red confetti to decorate the ice.

    When Lowell grows up enough to be something more than where UMass sends their rejects from both on and off the ice then Lowell can start taking pot shots at other teams. Until then, you will continue to be and sound like a bunch of mini-Chihuahuas who have been neutered but someone forgot to cut the vocal cords at the same time.

    Peace, Love, and Happiness,

    • RHHB permalink
      November 12, 2009 9:33 pm

      Boy Catie you sound upset. We’d be mad too if we had to be women.

      • Catie Willis permalink
        November 12, 2009 9:43 pm

        I think you have it wrong you poor thing. You are the one who should be upset. You are in Lowell after all.

      • RHHB permalink
        November 12, 2009 9:45 pm

        Did one of us have a stroke? Is sarcasm a thing that, like dental hygiene and word of the demise of Jim Crowe Laws, hasn’t yet made its way down to Alabammy?

    • Alan permalink
      November 12, 2009 10:43 pm

      Catie, you have clearly never been to Lawrence.

  7. November 12, 2009 9:59 pm

    Poor Catie … if she only had some facts. Never mind, she’d ignore them anyway.

  8. November 13, 2009 1:24 am

    Posts like this are what, in my unhumble opinion, makes this blog great. I think the fact that UAH is an out of conference opponent, causing their fans to be unfamiliar with this blog, has something to do with the reaction.

  9. Josh Fuqua permalink
    November 13, 2009 5:55 pm

    It’s hard for ignorant folk to have what you guys enjoy, rhhb….sarcasm, outstanding hockeyteams, football teams…oh wait, let’s keep this on hockey. I do love when writers complain about feedback left by readers. Your article is obviously written in jest, but at the same time, it’s laced with truth. Your obvious defence, you’re obviously being defensive, is to say something about how you were joking, how sensitive we are.

    P.S. Nick Schaus isn’t as good as you think he is.

    • November 13, 2009 6:07 pm

      Sacrilege! Nick Schaus is better than we think he is!


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