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Two Minutes’ Hate: Of colors and Catamounts

November 6, 2008

Last year when we did the Two Minutes’ Hate ahead of the BU playoff series, we were roundly criticized for mistakenly calling BU’s shade of red “crimson.” It is, we were so vehemently dressed down for, “scarlet.” Our mistake for not caring exactly what crayon the clowns down at BU Athletics pulled out of the Crayola box of 72 and started fervently coloring with.

Know what Lowell’s colors are? Red, white and blue. Like America! Lowell’s colors don’t run and all that. It’s not “rose madder,” “ivory,” and “azure.” We don’t have time to worry about girly crap like that. We play hockey. Y’know, like men do. We’ll leave the fretting over names for different shades to the interior decoration majors, like Kevin Shattenkirk.

But really, this whole “IT’S SCARLET” issue is everything that’s wrong with BU’s knuckle-dragging fanbase. Swing by a BU game at Agganis Arena and you’ll feel like you wandered into a sixth grade costume party, complete with adorably choreographed dances that would make any 12-year-old’s parents slightly embarrassed for their developmentally disabled son or daughter. The fact that it’s a bunch of 18-to-22-year-olds (and in some cases, much older, right Kleiner?) should make it thoroughly mortifying to all involved. Except it doesn’t. Not slightly. Instead, these miscreants revel in their pretending to ride fake horses (we get it, it’s from Monty Python) and dancing around in circles and chanting “Ole, ole ole ole” isn’t what hockey is about. It’s Vaudville chicanery at best.

Worse, they haven’t a clue about hockey as an actual sport. Sure, they can tell you the names of the players and possibly even which ones are good and which aren’t, but so can the internet. Meanwhile they don’t know a trip from the trap in the course of an actual game, and all the stat looking-up in the world doesn’t change that. Case in point: They think this year’s BU team is really good.

Oh yeah, they’re awesome alright. The Terriers come in with an impressive 5-1 record, with victories over North Dakota, Merrimack and Vermont. What, was Salem State booked? We’ve heard of cherry picking, but you’re not supposed to take the dead ones off the ground, guys. Wow, a win over Michigan State to boot! Boy, Grant Rollheiser must have had an awful tough night making 12 saves. It’s pretty hard to lose when you outshoot an opponent 29-13 because that opponent really just doesn’t have a good offense. And BU fans point to the 7-2 win over Michigan as proof that this team has finally arrived and the offense is great and so is the defense. Yeah we’re impressed. BU got something like 128 power plays in the game, we think we read. Congrats on that one, guys, but the fact that BU fans still spent some of the postgame time bitching about the officiating proves our point several times over.

Not to say BU doesn’t have any good players. There’s Matt Gilroy, who could have gone pro this year and says he got offers from all 30 NHL teams. That’s why he’s still playing for free at BU, right? The fact is Gilroy (or, more accurately, GIRLroy) is not very good, obviously. Can’t hack it in the pros and everyone knows it. All that “30 NHL teams wanted to sign me” talk was just that. Our lone source of information on this is Matt Gilroy and Jack Parker, so we think it best to take this one with a grain of salt.

Colin Wilson? Yeah he’s good too, or so we hear. The way he’s been playing this year (see: so-so), coupled with the effort he put in last year (see: little) has us thinking Nashville took him No. 7 out of pity. Otherwise, why is he one of only two of the top 10 picks in last year’s draft to not play in the NHL this year (and that’s only because Josh Bailey of the New York Islanders is hurt)? Is it laziness again? Is he scared that the big boys in the NHL would hand him his lunch? Not like Nashville couldn’t use the help up front.

Brandon Yip? Thug. Jason Lawrence? Not even liked by BU fans. Eric Gryba? Should be starring in a Tor Johnson biopic. Colby Cohen? Stupid first name. Kieran Millan? Glad he didn’t win the Oscar for “Atonement.”

As for Chris Higgins, we can only assume that Parker thought he got the kid that currently plays for the Montreal Canadiens to commit. Because that’s the only way this kid getting a scholarship makes sense.

The clientele in the visitors’ section gets no less embarrassing the following night, the Catamounts of the University of Vermont team, those great fans of Henry Mancini will be mincing into town on Saturday. Bring a blanket and a pillow because that game is going to be a snoozefest. If you’ve been having trouble getting to sleep lately, swing by for the game on Saturday. It’s a well-known fact that Vermont’s road games are better than three turkey dinners and a whole bottle of Nyquil for that kinda thing. You’ll be sawing logs in no time.

A better fate, certainly, than fans of actual hockey will see that night, when Vermont will instead drop a log on everything this sport has ever stood for. Fast-paced, action-packed hockey ain’t what you’re going to see that night. Instead, Vermont will willingly take too many men penalties just so they can drop six guys behind the blue line and trap their way to another mediocre season.

We don’t understand why UVM fans, who know less about hockey than BU diehards, think this team is so good or why they talk about the River Hawks as though Lowell somehow isn’t on the same level as UVM. Sorry, we just haven’t seen anything extra-special out of Vermont since Tim Thomas and Martin St. Louis were elephant-walking their way through downtown Burlington to pick up some Chunky Monkey for Eric Perrin, who was home with a bad case of sucks-at-hockey at the time. This past week’s 7-2 headstomping by BU only underscored just how terribly mediocre the Catamounts are and, we believe, always will be despite all the big talk to the contrary.

Look, your best player is 5-foot-1 and has a stupid haircut. It might’ve worked for Marty St. Louis, who only plays in NHL All-Star games because he stows away in Zdeno Chara’s equipment bag every year and no one wants to break his little heart by telling him they really just wanted Vinny Lecavalier to show up, but Peter Lenes is no Marty St. Louis, and that’s saying something.

Who else would we be scared of? Viktor Stalburg? That “Swedes are menacing” thing might’ve worked in “Insomnia” and “The Seventh Seal” but Hockey East ain’t Hollywood, Vik, so tell your story walkin‘. (Hint: It should start with, “Jag spelar som skit.”) Dean Strong? Hates America and voted for Osama Bin Laden on Tuesday. Justin Milo? Should’ve recruited Otis instead.

Know what we’re really scared of? Vermont’s TEAM save percentage of .884. That’s terrifying.

Go ‘Hawks go!

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. Monty permalink
    November 7, 2008 6:07 pm

    After last night’s crushing Revs game, I needed the laugh. Great job.

  2. Anonymous permalink
    April 14, 2009 2:29 am

    I guess BU is actually pretty good. Oh, I heard that maybe that Gilroy guy had an alright season too.

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