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Two Minutes’ Hate: We invented that whole “baby tiger” thing

March 12, 2008

It’s time for playoff hockey, and that means it’s time to throw rational, fact-driven commentary out the window.

Instead of the usual Wednesday feature (the only occasionally amusing USCHOmbudsman), we present to you now a positively Orwellian exercise in general dislike: “The Two Minutes’ Hate.”

Hate is a strong word, and we only wish there was a stronger one that we could put into blog-appropriate vernacular. There’s something about an arena full of 6,300 sniveling fans, all dressed in crimson and white wishing it was maroon and gold that we just loathe.

Next to Scumherst, BU has by far the largest collection of meathead college-boy fans in Hockey East. The majority of these knuckledraggers would be lugging shingles up a ladder if daddy didn’t have the cash to get them into a school that would accept a corpse if the check cleared.

Never has there been a bigger group of fanboys than the face-painting, costume-wearing mutants at BU. When you have a fat loser that wears a sequined cowboy hat to every game, and he’s one of the tamer specimens, then your fanbase is a problem. There are hot dog costumes (with ever-changing toppings), Jesus costumes, guys wearing goalie masks, middle-aged hairy men that take their shirts off at the slightest provocation, face painting fat girls, some tall creep with a beard, and that’s just two rows of section 118. We wish we were kidding.

Perhaps the worst part, and there’s evidently so much to detest, is their insufferable inferiority complex to the Gold Standard of colleges up the road. The very fact that the big “cheer” these missing links love so much boils down to “BC sucks,” and that they continue to remind you of this fact, regardless of who they’re playing, speaks volumes.

We get it, you’re mad that you’ve been relegated to your third-choice school (Northeastern was full up too) and you need to vent your frustrations. We don’t blame you; we certainly wouldn’t want to be associated with the terrier either. But it’s not our fault you were 1,000 SAT points and the ability to speak like a human being shy of being admitted to BC. Enough already.

We also have a general distaste for Agganis Arena.

First and foremost, because of the namesake. Know who was a “Golden Greek?” Achilles. That’s who. Harry Agganis played two years for the Red Sox (wow, a .261 career average!) and was a football washout. Sure, he made the so-called “College Football Hall of Fame” (it’s more of a broom closet, really), but they’ll let in just about anyone. Case in point: O.J. Simpson. So yeah, your greatest all-time athlete is the peer of a double murderer. Congratulations. When are you building Ted Bundy Stadium?

Second, Agganis is just as revolting on the inside as Walter Brown Arena ever was. Sure, it has a flashy video board (probably stolen), but it’s still not as good as the Whitt or Tsongas Arena because the powers that be decided to put so many luxury boxes in that you can’t see the ice from the concourse.

We know it came in handy when that traitor to all things Boston, Ray Bourque, came to watch his developmentally disabled son for the one season they snuck him through remedial math (presumably so he didn’t have to mingle with the great unwashed that regularly attend BU games), but it’d be nice to watch the action while we’re waiting to be gouged on overpriced, mediocre nachos. And we’re sure that the braintrust over on Comm Ave is hard at work trying to figure out just how to infuse the whole rink with that WBA urine stench that everyone came to love so much.

Then there’s BU’s players, speaking of unwashed. Here’s a school so devoid of anyone better to whom to give scholarships that they floated one to Eric Gryba, or if you prefer, Karson Gillespie. One which had three captains that were such reprehensible human beings that Jack Parker suspended them (and another player) and stripped them of the little letters on the front of their shirts then gave them back. One which was collectively on the brink of tears when a few of its players were brutally beaten up last year (actually tragic), but stood by John Sabo when he nearly killed someone in a similar fashion. If Maine wasn’t so infested with (alleged) pedophiles, academic frauds, and sexual harassers, BU would take the cake for giving scholarships to and tolerating the worst people in Hockey East.

And to give you an idea of how bad the recruiting is at BU, the best two players the Terriers have had in the last five years, John Curry and Matt Gilroy (we call him Girl-roy haw haw haw), are walk-ons that Parker was lucky enough to have drop in his lap.

We find it odd that they named it “Jack Parker rink at Agganis Arena,” though. Rinks are usually named after parties that played a big role in the program’s development and are deceased. By that token, we would have named it “Jack Parker’s Career rink.”

Go ‘Hawks. Beat BU.

One Comment leave one →
  1. Anonymous permalink
    March 13, 2008 11:10 am

    The best part of Agganis Arena are the fabulous Hockey Murals by Internationally acclaimed sports artist and Marblehead, MA native WK Gilbert whose cousin, Marblehead High Hockey Coach Bobby Jackson could be going to Agganis Arena Saturday if they beat Situate/Westwood tonight in Worcester – GO HEADERS!

    You are right on about Hockey All American goalie, John Curry – I’m sending this Blog to his Mom – she’ll be pleased

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