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Glossary

We understand, you guys. Some of the things we talk about here can be a little daunting to the new reader. It’s true and we feel badly about that. But the world of college hockey knowledge, for the uninitiated, be a tough nut to crack. With this in mind, we set out to create this glossary of terms we use on and teams/players/personalities to which we refer a semi-frequent basis as a way to impart at least some of our two and a half decades’ worth of college hockey knowledge to you, the reader. Because we’re really, really good guys.

The Glossary is being fitted with additions and amendments all the time. Be sure to check back often to see who we’re slagging off now!

Without further ado then:

The Ice is Life Guide to Hockey East

Agganis Arena — BU’s home rink. Feels like the Tsongas Arena only smaller and slightly more modern . Great place to watch a game. Probably the second best rink in Hockey East, next to the Tsongas Center.

Alex ChiassonOn Notice. Extremely talented BU forward who is also a complete and total punk. Loves cowardly acts of aggression only when an opponent’s back is turned or is away from the play. One of the most vile human beings ever to pull on a BU sweater, and we say that while being fully aware that Eric Gryba and Chris Drury are alive.

Alfond Arena — Maine’s home rink. Prior to the 2008-09 season, the River Hawks were winless there since the early 1990s. Terrible sightlines, terrible fans, terrific baked potatoes.

Amherst, Mass. — Home to Amherst (obviously). Nestled several dozen miles from anywhere you’d ever want to find yourself, this picturesque hamlet was once an idyllic farmtown. That is, until the University of Massachusetts saw fit to congeal its quote-unquote flagship school there, transforming this one-stoplight Smalltown, USA into the suburbs (for lack of a better term) to the vile, appalling cacotopia short on architectural imagination and long on a concrete-and-glass loss that surely has Adolf Loos spinning in his Austro-Hungarian grave, which cuts the landscape of an otherwise pastoral region like a knife owned by some foul Lovecraftian creation.

Assumed Disrespectors — Level 0 of the Levels of Judgment. Everyone on the planet (watch it, China!), until proven otherwise, holds this status. If you have ever had even the slightest thought that Lowell hockey was not the pinnacle of human achievement, you’re on the list, buddy.

Apology, The — Hockey East’s official apology, as issued by Joe Bertagna, to UMass Amherst for a goal that Lowell scored on Jan. 7, 2005. The Minutemen failed to line up for a faceoff in their own zone and, as per the rules at the time, the puck was dropped five seconds after the second whistle. Lowell scored on the faceoff and Amherst went on to lose 4-3. Said Bertagna after the fact: “In 23 years as a conference official, I probably haven’t publicly acknowledged a ref’s mistake more than a handful of times. Obviously, I’ve seen mistakes more often. That situation, I thought, was egregious and handed a goal to Lowell in what ended up as a one goal loss for UMass. I think the officials’ jobs are tough enough without a commissioner throwing them under the bus on a regular basis. But in some cases, just as coaches and players are held accountable, so too should the refs. Division I hockey brings a bigger paycheck but also more TV, more replays, more scrutiny. You have to take the bad with the good.” See also: The Non-Apology.

Big Four, The — The elite in Hockey East from 1984-2008. Made up of Boston College, Boston University, UNH and Maine. Combined, they won all but three Hockey East titles in 25 years.

Big Three, The — The elite in Hockey East from 2008-present. Made up of Boston College, Boston University and UNH. Maine was kicked out, as per our decree, for being terrible following a ninth- and eighth-place finish in Hockey East in 2007-08 and 2008-09, respectively.

Boston, Mass. — Home, despite what Boston College would have you believe, to only two of Hockey East’s teams. Boston University is located, for the most part, in dribs and drabs up and down Comm Ave. Northeastern is in both Fenway and the Back Bay, mainly on Huntington Ave. The only reasons to go near either of these places, apart from hockey, are Sunset Cantina across Comm Ave. from the Agganis, and the Museum of Fine Art, one Green Line stop down from Matthews.

Brandon Yip — Formerly On the Radar. Former Boston University forward that ran Nevin Hamilton in the 2009 Hockey East title game, and also elbowed Bobby Robins in the face as a freshman, giving Robins a concussion. So bad he now plays for an affiliate of the Colorado Avalanche.

Brendan WalshDead to Us. Former Boston University and Maine player. Kicked out of the former for drinking at practice, or so the legend goes. Current NESN pre- and post-game commentator. Once criticized the cover of Lowell’s media guide out of nowhere and only issued a sheepish, insincere apology when his TV job was threatened. Meathead, obviously.

Brian GiontaDead to Us. Former Boston College forward and Hobey Baker candidate. Never lost to Lowell. Dove all the time. Cried even more. Was once dropped on his head by Jerramie Domish in the Hockey East semifinals.

Bud Fisher — Formerly On the Radar. Former Quinnipiac goaltender who gave up three goals on nine shots before getting the hook after just 13:57 of ice time on Oct. 30, 2008, a game his Bobcats went on to lose 4-1. Odd, you might think, that we do not instead celebrate his existence. But he earned this proud honor through his repeated trash-talk from the bench after getting pulled. We wish we were kidding. Total clown. Brother of Ottawa Senator Mike Fisher, and when you’re the less-talented member of the Fisher hockey family, you’re really not very good at all.

Burlington, Vt. — Home of the University of Vermont and, with all due respect to Lowell, our favorite city in Hockey East. It’s gorgeous up there, the shopping is great and the restaurants are top notch.  Unfortunately it’s also pretty close to Canada, which makes it practically uninhabitable.

Chaz ScogginsDead to Us. Lowell Sun reporter, River Hawk hockey beat writer, crushing bore. Articles are perfect cure for insomnia. Kind of a jerk in person. Picked Lowell to finish second to 0-2-0 BU in his 2009-10 preseason predictions.

Chestnut Hill, Mass. — Home of Boston College. Not so easy to navigate. Nothing happens here.

Chris Bourque — Former BU forward. Son of Hockey Hall of Famer Ray Bourque, a noted sellout. Total rockhead. Would have flunked out of BU if he hadn’t gone pro. Selfish.

Colby CohenOn Notice. BU defenseman that once espoused that, “There’s no way we’re going to lose to this team,” in reference to Lowell. This despite Cohen’s minus-5 rating against “this team” in the prior six meetings, all of which were wins for his team. Also, it should be noted that BU did indeed lose to “this team” the following night in its home rink. Oops.

College Hockey Blog, TheGettin’ fresh. In its 2009-10 season preview, this quote-unquote publication had the audacity to predict Lowell was only the 11th-best team entering the season.

College hockey media, the — Formerly On Notice. Constant purveyors of disrespect towards Lowell and undue respect toward teams like Vermont and UMass Amherst.

College Hockey News, TheOn the Radar. Pitiable college hockey media site that failed to select Maury Edwards, Lowell’s superstar defenseman, to either of its 2009-10 preseason All-CHN teams, instead choosing BU’s Kevin Shattenkirk*, a Holder of the Asterisk, ahead of him and then listing Edwards’ credentials as Shattenkirk’s own.

Coming within one against Holy CrossHolder of the Asterisk. Truly the greatest accomplishment any hockey team can achieve.

Conte Forum — BC’s home rink. Because it’s a basketball venue first and foremost, there’s nothing at all good about watching a hockey game here.

Danny Dries — Formerly On the Radar. UNH forward who, despite scoring twice in the Wildcats’ 8-3 loss to Lowell on Nov. 14, 2008, found himself on the radar because he attacked Nick Monroe after the latter accidentally made contact with UNH’s goaltender while trying to tip a shot. He was given a 10-minute misconduct and a shameful place in the annals of this blog.

Dartmouth Game, TheNever Existed. Whatever could have happened here, it certainly was not a 10-2 loss in December of 2002.

Dead to Us — Level 5 of the Levels of Judgment. An idea blatantly stolen from Stephen Colbert and his wonderful Colbert Report, the Dead to Us list is, quite literally, a list of things which are dead to us. Very infrequently updated, it takes a lot of disrespect to weasel your way onto this list. We’re watchin’ you, Vermont fans!

Disrespect — The thing we hate most in the world, which is unfortunately abundant among non-Lowell fans. Of course, our definition takes a much wider berth than your average person’s, where any praise given to anyone else is obviously an underhanded shot at Lowell, and, indeed, even respect and/or praise that we deem not effusive enough is considered to be disrespect.

Durham, N.H. — Home of the University of New Hampshire/seat of postseason futility. If it weren’t for UNH setting up shop here, there’d be a whole lotta pasture to drive past on your way to someplace more interesting, which is to say: anywhere.

Eternal Archnemesis — Level 7 of the Levels of Judgment. This Level, the last and highest to be added, was created solely so we could properly exhibit our contempt for Hockey East commissioner for life Joe Bertagna, as loathsome and despicable a figure as can exist in our eyes. Unlike all the other Levels, this one cannot be revoked as a result of contrite apologies or lavish gifts as it is irrevocable and forever binding. The amount of disrespect you have to rain down on our dear River Hawks needs to come in scientific notation to even be considered for this unenviable position. Only the most diabolical and hateful of fiends, as a consequence, will ever find a way onto this Level.

Gabe Winer — Former Amherst goalie. Had no clue what constituted icing.

Gettin’ Fresh — Level 1 of the Levels of Judgment. Given to those who have possibly disrespected Lowell inadvertently.

“Goon” from “Goon’s World”On the Radar. That this blogger picked Lowell as just the 10th-best team in the country prior to the 2009-10 season was not offensive in and of itself. However, his pick for No. 6? Vermont. This, we felt, was somewhat disrespectful but also understandable given the great unwashed who have yet to be enlightened by our brilliant thoughts on the sport. And then we saw this sentence tacked onto his UVM synopsis: “Vermont is my pick to win Hockey East.”

Gutterson Fieldhouse — Vermont’s home rink. Like almost all former ECAC rinks, it was built in a time when indoor heating was merely the fanciful imaginings of opium addicts, comfort was considered scandalous, and entertainment was outlawed under prohibition. Therefore, today in 2009, the rink is freezing, the seats are made of broken glass and sandpaper and most sightlines stink. You don’t want to watch a hockey game here if you can avoid it.

Ham’n’Egger of the Weak — Award given out as part of TIIL’s Weekly Awards in every Weekend in Review. This award is given to the bus-ridin’ player or personality that had the strap-hangin’-est week in Hockey East. The award is so named because eggs with some cubed ham is just about the lowest form of breakfast a lifelong nobody can eat.

Hockey East Bonus Points — Similar to the Lowell Bump, these are the points given by Hockey East’s Award-Deciders to players who perform well against Big Four teams, and specifically UNH. It wouldn’t matter if you gave up 14 on 17 shots to AIC on Friday as long as you shutout the Wildcats the next night you’re headed for Player of the Week no questions asked.

Holders of the Asterisk — Level 3 of the Levels of Judgment. A distinction given to players, people or things who, for one reason or another, are widely touted as being better than they actually are as a means of disrespecting Lowell.

Hugh Jessiman — Former Dartmouth forward who would have scored a hat trick in The Dartmouth Game, had said game existed. The last first-round pick in the 2003 NHL Entry Draft to  play a game at the NHL level. It only took six seasons. Has never replicated the output of his freshman season. So bad even the Rangers gave up on him.

INCH’s Jeff HoweOn Notice. The Hockey East reporter for Inside College Hockey, and a noted UMass Amherst homer. Will write at least one glowing love letter to his alma mater’s woebegone hockey program per season. Once selected Paul Dainton* as Hockey East’s best goaltender for the first half of the 2007-08 season, citing his league-best stats in both goals-against and save percentage, though failing to note that Carter Hutton led the league in both, and Providence’s Tyler Sims was second at the time. Crack journalist.

Inside College HockeyOn the Radar. An ESPN affiliate website devoted, obviously, to college hockey that failed to select Maury Edwards, Lowell’s superstar defenseman, to any of its 2009-10 preseason All-American teams despite the fact that he was a second-teamer at the end of last year. Notable chumps chosen over Moe include BU’s Kevin Shattenkirk, a Holder of the Asterisk, and Harvard’s Alex Biega, whom we couldn’t pick out of a lineup. Only saved from a higher level thanks to duly noted respect in the past.

Jeff Bunyon — Dead to Us. One of two Hockey East referees who collectively botched the 2009 Hockey East championship game between Boston University and Lowell. An apology was sought in the 2009-10 season but never delivered. Despicable human being.

Jeff CaisterOn the Radar. St. Lawrence defenseman who, with his team already down 3-0 to a significantly-better Lowell team on Oct. 9, 2009, saw fit to slash Lowell forward Mike Scheu. The infraction sent Scheu to the dressing room for further medical treatment, and netted Caister an unfortunate spot in the annals of Lowell hockey history.

Jerry YorkOn Notice. Legendary genius behind Boston College’s ascent to the top of the college hockey world and the best coach in the history of any NCAA sport (bite it, John Wooden). One hell of a nice guy. However, he also selected UNH to finish first in the league in 2012-13, ahead of Lowell for reasons that defy even the slightest logic. Therefore, we have lost all respect for him.

Joe BertagnaEternal Archnemesis. Hockey East’s corrupt Commissioner For Life and archfiend, vehemently anti-Lowell. Likely sees to it that Lowell is featured on TV just once a season. Hypocrite (see: “The Apology” and “The Non-Apology”). Went to Harvard, just ask him. Was in the movie “A Love Story,” and will bring it up at the slightest provocation.

Joe Canatta* and Andrew Braithwaite*Holders of the Asterisk. A pair of goalies that would probably be good if they were on a team that wasn’t Merrimack. Hailed by the Lawrence Eagle-Tribune as “arguably the best one-two [goaltending] combination in Hockey East,” an assertion that is at once laughable and sickening.

Joe Fallon — Former Vermont goaltender. Refused to acknowledge the friendly greetings of Lowell fans, who simply wanted a brief wave in response to saying, “Hey Joe!” Bad person.

Justin Jokinen* and Troy Jutting* — Holders of the Asterisk. Skilled forward and hapless coach, respectively, of Minnesota State’s awful program, who wrote their sweep at the hands of a visiting Lowell death squad as being the result of a combination of their underestimating their opponents and a handful of injuries suffered by the team. Crybabies. They also earned the title of “The Great Underestimators.”

Keith Johnson — Formerly On Notice. Former Maine forward, future To Catch a Predator person of interest (allegedly!).

Kevin Caulfield — Former BC forward. Once gave the entire Lowell student section the finger because they chanted his name after a particularly hard penalty.

Kevin Shattenkirk*Holder of the Asterisk. Former slightly-better-than-mediocre Boston University defenseman that couldn’t carry the jocks of any of Lowell’s top three d-men. Hailed by subpar online publication Inside College Hockey as a preseason All-American over Maury Edwards despite having fewer points and goals than Edwards in several more games in 2008-09. The only explanation is a massive mancrush on the Terrier hockey program, which placed three players on INCH’s second team.

Levels of Judgment — Tool for measuring how disrespectful something is to the Lowell hockey program and to us. There are seven Levels of Judgment ranging from Level 0, Assumed Disrespectors (this includes basically everyone that is not us), to Level 7, Eternal Archnemesis. Only eight offenders may be placed on any Level at any time. Levels are doled out at our discretion and questioning of the Levels is a Levelable offense.

Loose Pucks — TIIL feature. Weekly look back at the miscellany of the prior weekend. Runs on Tuesdays.

Lowell, Mass. — Home sweet home. Lowell is awesome. The River Hawks, great venues like the Tsongas Center and Lowell Memorial Auditorium, Mambo Grill, we don’t know what more you could ask for out of life.

Lowell Sun, theDead to Us. Unfortunately, the paper of record in Lowell, which gives the River Hawks little to no respect and assigns the loathsome Chaz Scoggins to cover most of the games. The River Hawks could win two national titles, solve world hunger and liberate Tibet in one afternoon and the Sun would still put the headline below the fold without art, and jump the Scoggins-penned schlock to the agate page.

Malcontent Lowell fansDead to Us. A subset of Lowell fans that are never happy with the program no matter how well things go. They’d like to see the coach fired (into the sun, if possible), the Tsongas Arena reduced to cinders (and go back to the crummy ol’ Tully), and the student section silenced in favor of quiet reflection.

Mankato Free Press, TheGettin’ Fresh. Implied that Lowell was in some way worse than the 0-3-0 Minnesota State Mavericks even after Lowell handed the Mavs their lunch 4-2 at home.

“Mass Attack,” TheNever Existed, formerly On Notice. UMass Amherst’s utterly embarrassing nickname for its hockey team, now proclaimed to have never existed on the basis that Amherst has always sucked and always will.

Matthews Arena — Northeastern’s home rink. If you’re there longer than five seconds, you’ll find out it is the oldest rink in America and that the Bruins used to play home games there back in like the 1790s. Because it’s so old, every seat feels like it’s right on top of the ice, and sitting in the balcony is an absolute pleasure (insofar as it makes heckling VERY easy). If it weren’t full of NU fans, it would be one of our favorite places to see a game.

MCChiefWahoo on TwitterGettin’ Fresh. Once questioned our writing style vis a vis the length of the 2009-10 Season Preview and what he felt was a passing casuality regarding the actual sport of hockey. Said he, “@rhhb I wish more authors would repeatedly update the word count during their articles. I especially liked the blurb about hockey at the end.” But we can’t judge him too harshly, he’s a Merrimack fan and that’s punishment enough.

Mike AyersDead to Us. Former UNH goaltender, noted loser. It was once pointed out that, “You can’t spell ‘Playoff Losers’ without ‘Ayers.'”

Mike McMahonOn Notice. So-called journalist for the Lawrence Eagle-Tribune and College Hockey News that pronounced the tandem of Joe Canatta and Andrew Braithwaite “arguably the best one-two [goaltending] combination in Hockey East.” He must have heard, at some point, that Carter Hutton and Nevin Hamilton, both of whom are measurably better than either Warrior netminder, had died in a fiery car crash. He was wrong, of course. That was the just Warriors’ season before it began.

Mullins Center — UMass Amherst’s home rink. Worst venue in Hockey East, not just because of the knuckledragging “fans” in attendance, but also because it, like BC’s Conte Forum, was built for basketball only, and is therefore terrible for hockey. Far too cavernous and dim to be worth visiting. Home of the worst zamboni-ing in the league. Home of the worst fans in the league. Home of the worst team that fancies itself good in the league.

Myles HarveyOn the Radar. Providence College defenseman who, at the tail of a 4-0 thrashing by Lowell, buttended Paul Worthington in the midsection. The epitome of poor sportsmanship and sore loser, Harvey is dumb as they come and uglier than that, which is explained by both his home state (Florida) and his college of choice.

Never Existed — Level 6 of the Levels of Judgment. A person, event or act so disrespectful that it is never to be mentioned again, except to say that it did not happen. It is virtually impossible to make it onto this list.

Niagara Game, TheNever existed. Whatever this could have been, it was most certainly not a game in December of 2003 that Lowell led 5-0 through the first 38:43 but went on to lose 6-5. A game like that has never happened.

Non-apology, The — The apology from Hockey East commissioner Joe Bertagna for the league’s egregious error in the 2009 Hockey East final between Boston University and Lowell. We assume it is coming because of the precedent set by The Apology (see above).

Non-goal, The — Ben Holmstrom’s goal-that-wasn’t at 10:38 of the second period in the 2009 Hockey East final against Boston University. The goal would have been Holmstrom’s seventh of the year, from Kory Falite and Jeremy Dehner. See also: Video review.

North Andover, Mass. — Home of Merrimack College and its don’t-blink-or-you’ll-miss-it strip mall campus, and not a whole hell of a lot else.

On Notice — Level 4 of the Levels of Judgment. An idea blatantly stolen from Stephen Colbert and his wonderful Colbert Report, the On Notice list is, quite literally, a list of things which are on notice as having reached Level 4 of the TIIL Levels of Judgment. Amounts of disrespect deemed unnaturally and intentionally high are grounds for placement on the On Notice list. This list changes often.

On the Radar — Level 2 of the Levels of Judgment. Status is typically given at Lowell hockey games to those on the ice whose actions rub us the wrong way. Not where you wanna be. This is the most frequently-changing Level by far.

Orono, Me. — Home of the University of Maine. It’s literally four hours away from Lowell, not unlike Burlington, Vt., but lacks any of the scenic majesty of the Green Mountains. Mountains, you’ll find, have tragically been replaced by rusted-out farm equipment, dilapidated farmhouses and a bunch of really crummy rest stops with Burger Kings in them. But hey, Stephen King lives kinda near there, so if you’ve got an extra hour, you might be able to go tell him he hasn’t written anything worth reading since “The Stand.” Oh, and also they have Tim Horton’s up that way, which is huge.

Paul Dainton*Holder of the Asterisk. Former goaltender for UMass Amherst. Inside College Hockey reporter Jeff Howe once asserted that he was, statistically, the best goalie in Hockey East despite two goalies being ahead of him in said statistical areas. Is given to playing the puck despite having absolutely no talent for it. Like Amherst as a whole, has a lot of trouble beating Lowell.

Permanent Tomato Can — Award given out as part of TIIL’s Weekly Awards in every Weekend in Review. Any team that is notably terrible, below .500, and objectively worse than Lowell is eligible for this award. “Tomato can” is a term in boxing used to describe a bad fighter.

Pierce Norton — Formerly On the Radar. Former Providence College forward that led the charge of cheapshottery and lack of sportsmanship during the Friars’ 4-1 loss to Lowell on Oct. 24, 2008. Took two minors, including an elbow, in the game and really proved what a low-rent puke he could be when his team was losing (and it did an awful lot that year, let us tell you).

Princeton Game, TheNever Existed. Had this game happened, and we are sure that it did not, it would absolutely, positively not have been a 3-2 loss to a terrible Princeton team with only 18 players dressed that, prior to this game, had not won on the road.

Providence, R.I. — Home, clearly, of Providence College. Unless you’re a fan of mediocre pizza places and a moving symbol of the decay of the American City, there’s no reason whatsoever to spend any more than the three-ish hours it takes to get there, see a game, and leave within the city limits.

Randy GuziorOn the Radar. Northeastern defenseman that was assessed a five-minute major and a game misconduct for running a River Hawk from behind at the end of his team’s 3-1 defeat on Oct. 24, 2009. His act was so despicable, even NU’s coach and noted lunatic Greg Cronin criticized him harshly in the Boston Globe, saying, “I don’t know what he was doing, that was a five-minute call all day long. You can’t hit a guy in the numbers.” That’s right, you can’t, but you can get on a Level, so congrats on that, we guess.

Rob Bellamy — Formerly On the Radar. Former Maine forward that, as Maine was wrapping its 3-2 road loss to Lowell, decided it was a perfect time to give Ben Holmstrom a leaping crosscheck to the face right off a draw. He got a five-minute major for the play and Maine began its dizzying spiral from feared opponent to laughable doormat.

Schneider Arena — Providence’s home rink. Awful place to watch a game in a worse neighborhood.

Shawn BatesOn Notice. Pitiful Merrimack forward who proclaimed Lowell netminder Connor Hellebuyck to be fighting the puck after five periods of his having allowed precisely no goals against Merrimack. In fact, in his 12 games prior to that contest, which ended 3-1 to Lowell and effectively killed Merrimack’s hopes for winning the league, Hellbuyck boasted a 1.13 goals-against average and .957 save percentage. He wasn’t fighting anything.

Simon Danis-Pepin*Holder of the Asterisk. Former Maine “defense”man. Once heralded as a future All-American by Maine fans. Famously terrible at everything but being tall and skating poorly. Was once spun like a top by Paul Worthington, much to the delight of Lowell fans. Suffice it to say that he never even sniffed All-American status thanks to a combined minus-33 rating in his junior and senior seasons.

Simpsons, The — An animated television show that began its run in 1989 and helped to indelibly shape the senses of humor for an entire generation. We’ve seen most episodes far too many times and make references to them with a great amount of frequency.

Stephen ToccoEternal Archnemesis. Scumbag former head of the UMass Board of Trustees that unsuccessfully attempted to erase the Lowell hockey program twice during his unfortunate reign. Lost his job when it was revealed he is a jerk that everyone hates.

There Will Be Blood — Paul Thomas Anderson’s 2007 masterwork and official film of TIIL, this piece of cinematic brilliance stars Daniel Day Lewis as Daniel Plainview, an oil man with an unquenchable thirst for power and respect. We consider it both the most riveting drama and most hilarious comedy of all time. References to the film are sprinkled liberally throughout this blog. You should really, really see this film. Right now. Go.

This Week in Disrespect — TIIL feature. A weekly recap of the ways in which someone has disrespected the Lowell hockey program. Typically runs on Wednesdays.

Tim BenedettoEternal Archnemesis. Formerly On-Notice referee of the 2009 Hockey East title game in which Lowell was screwed out of a clear goal against BU and went on to lose 1-0. Added to the highest Level possible after TIIL operatives asked him, through signage, to apologize for his crimes against Lowell. Not only did he not acknowledge the signs after privately admitting his massive blunder, he went on to, later in the game, disallow another clear goal for Lowell in what ended up as a 5-4 overtime loss to — who else? — BU on Oct. 30, 2009. Clearly a conspirator in the Hockey East plot to keep Lowell and all other proletariat teams down against the league’s bourgeoisie. Clearly a jerk with a big, stupid nose. Clearly a mall cop rat pig quisling for corrupt commissioner Joe Bertagna.

Tsongas Center — Lowell’s home rink. Best place ever.

Two Minutes’ Hate — TIIL feature. Inspired by George Orwell’s novel “1984,” The Two Minutes’ Hate is a listing of everything offensive about a Lowell opponent who has shown excessive levels of disrespect. Ridicules and calls into question the offending school’s vailidity as an institution, its hockey team, players, and fanbase. Also used against playoff opponents regardless of disrespect levels. Infrequently used.

Ty Conklin — Former UNH goaltender, noted loser.

UConn Game, TheNever existed. If this game had happened, and it didn’t, it would not have been a 3-2 overtime loss just to the goddamn UConn Huskies two days after the team returned from a weekend series in Minnesota. And in fact, it also would not have been played at a dumpy neutral site in Nashua. No, a scheduling gaffe like that would certainly never take place on Norm Bazin’s watch.

UMassHoops.com — The message board to which all UMass Amherst fans have skulked, seeking refuge from the rational hockey fans that find the audacity they muster to call UMass Amherst one of the best teams in Hockey East at once confusing, insulting and hilariously adorable.

UMass Amherst fansDead to Us. The most vile mutants in Hockey East. Organized cheers that make use of the F bomb? Check. Total lack of hockey knowledge? Check. Threatening visiting fans? Check. Totally undeserved belief the their team is somehow better than Lowell despite more than a decade and a half’s worth of proof to the contrary? Check and mate.

UMass Lowell — The name by which we refuse to refer to our alma mater.

USA TodayOn the Radar. This alleged national paper of record for the United States released its first poll of the 2009-10 season on Monday, Sept. 28 and, much to our dismay, only ranked Lowell as 10th-best in the nation. Also, we have a general distaste for what we feel is its gratuitous use of multicolored charts and graphs. We get concepts without visual aids, thanks.

USCHOmbudsman — TIIL feature. A sociological post regarding the goings on at the US College Hockey Online message boards, a hive of unwashed cretins with a general lack of hockey knowledge. Very infrequently used.

Vermont fansOn Notice. The thickest supporters in Hockey East by a longshot. They feel their team can do no wrong, and all its players will one day be Hockey Hall of Famers. If you give them more than six seconds, the words “Tim Thomas” or “Martin St. Louis” are sure to come up. They will disrespect Lowell more readily than almost anyone in Hockey East.

Vermont’s defenseHolder of the Asterisk. Prior to the 2009-10 season, Vermont fans openly stated that the Vermont defense was better than Lowell’s despite mountains of evidence to the contrary, including the words of Kevin Sneddon, Vermont’s own coach.

Video review — Formerly On Notice. In the 2009 Hockey East final, Lowell scored a goal that would have tied a game that Boston University went on to win 1-0. The non-goal was controversial because everyone on the planet could tell that it was a goal. Except, of course, for the video review officials who Hockey East claims did not have access to audio in their video replay booth (which is, of course, absurd) and were thus unable to hear that the whistle did not blow until well after the puck crossed the goal line.

Volpe Center — Merrimack’s home rink. You’ll feel like you’re in high school again. Because it’s so small, it’s one of our favorite places to watch a game. How Merrimack gets anyone to come to school after seeing this rink is inexplicable.

Weekend in Review — TIIL feature. A look back at the events of the weekend, featuring the handing out of the TIIL Weekly Awards (Player of the Week, Rookie of the Week, Ham’n’Eggers of the Weak and Permanent Tomato Cans) and a look at the national polls, Hockey East Weekly Awards. Runs on Mondays.

Weekend Preview — TIIL feature. A statistical and factual look ahead at the coming weekend’s opponents. Runs on Thursdays, or the day before a game at midweek, when it is known as the Midweek Preview.

Whittemore CenterOn Notice. UNH’s home rink. Site of more than a few misdeeds against Lowell players, staff and fans over the years. A dreadful place to watch a game, populated by know-nothing rednecks and row after row of ugly, ugly children. The least-fun place to watch a game in Hockey East. Also sight of several embarrassing UNH losses to Lowell over the years.

WRBB SportsOn the Radar. A group of Northeastern pompom-waving fanboys who belittle the River Hawks at every available opportunity. Things like plain and obvious facts are consistently ignored by these future TGI Friday’s managers, with the notable exception of contributor Keith Lavon, who is certainly much smarter than the cretins with whom he chooses to associate, and probably better-looking to boot.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. BBear Fan permalink
    December 31, 2012 1:45 pm

    Agree with most except 2 things:

    1. Tim Benedetto DID in fact screw up, but he is still one of the better referees. Nice guy too. Got a chance to talk to him and both him and Bunyon seemed nice. A lot better than Kevin Shea, Kevin Keenan, and Tom Fyrer.

    2. Have you ever been to a Maine hockey game? The atmosphere is explosive, and the students line up hours before a game to sit in the student section. Some seats may not have good sight lines, but the building itself is full of history. And if you were to drive only 30 minutes north of Orono, you would see Maine’s real beauty.

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