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Two Minutes’ Hate: Wicked Smaht Kehds

December 10, 2012

The state of Massachusetts is widely considered the gold standard for higher education in America. From the hills of Worcester, to the canals of Lowell, and all the way to Boston itself, the zest for learning is entrenched in the enlightened earth upon which we walk every day.

Just outside the city limits of Boston itself lies the City of Cambridge, an enclave of the academic and bohemian alike, where knowledge and discovery exist alongside some of the highest property values in America. Tucked within these seven square miles lays the elite of the elite, the crowning achievement, the “There Will Be Blood” of academia. We’re talking of course about MIT.

And while that school is the poster child for secondary education in Cambridge, it’s not alone. Other fine institutions — such as Lesley University and The Cambridge School of Culinary Arts — all contribute value and culture to this vibrant metropolis.

Unfortunately, we also have to take the good with the bad.

For every Boston College, there’s a Northeastern. For every Amherst College, there’s an UMass Amherst. And just as MIT shines brightly as a beacon for research and knowledge, Harvard “University” reciprocates with the shadows of blight and mediocrity.

Let’s check the tale of the tape. MIT is chock full of the greatest young minds on the planet; brilliant men and women who are hard at work on the cutting edge of fields such as chemical engineering, astrophysics and nanotechnology. These are scholars who continue to push the very limits of our understanding of the cosmos and what we as humans are capable of accomplishing.

Harvard, on the other hand, can best be described as a large community of trust-fund brats, cheating their way to a C average to earn that degree in Business Management so that they can one day take over daddy’s company and increase the wealth disparity in this country beyond its current disgusting levels. The next wave of corporate overseers. The new Bourgeoisie.

We read an article in the Boston Globe over the summer about how Harvard graduates have a hard time revealing to people where they went to college. This was framed in the article, by the alumni themselves, as being in deference to those who might consider themselves beneath a Harvard grad’s contempt, but the subtext was pretty clear: It was embarrassment-induced face-saving. One noted that when asked where she matriculated, she typically says, “Boston” or “Cambridge,” likely as a means of tricking her inquisitor into believing she went to Bay State College or the Longy School of Music. The actual truth is obviously much uglier, and brings shame upon her house.

This same level of discomfiture should also apply, perhaps doubly so, to its hockey team.

How embarrassed must their parents be? For starters, they’re playing Ivy League hockey for a team not named Cornell. In this business we call that “hot garbage.” Second, conceding that this group of future job-outsourcers wasn’t talented enough to play for The Big Red, they also had to settle for Harvard. Yikes. That tells us a couple of things:

  1. They’re not ambitious enough to try to get into Princeton.
  2. They’re probably staunch neo-cons, disgusted by the open-mindedness of Brown.
  3. They have connections, but not top connections. Otherwise they’d be at Yale.
  4. No amount of money would compensate for their awful grades, so Dartmouth rightly slammed the door in their faces.

So they ended up a member of the Crimson; appropriately named, considering the other three Boston area schools routinely paint TD Garden with their blood every February. The last time Harvard won a Beanpot, most of the current players were still in diapers. At this point, we’re all for giving the UMass-Boston Beacons a shot, since they can’t possibly do worse than this ragtag group of Eastern Philosophy majors.

We realize making fun of the ECAC is cliché (given that they seemed happy to have admitted Quinnipiac not too long ago), but it’s a whole new ballgame when you’re talking about the Ivies. We’re not exactly sure what these schools are doing for the month of October, when they hide from real competition, although we envision many a Patrick Bateman-esque bludgeoning of the homeless to practice for later in life. That does not mean, however, that we do not understand. Playing hockey when everyone else starts would mean more non-conference games. Possibly against Hockey East opponents! For these frauds, it’s surely a nightmare that ranks right up there with having to drink tap water.

The current Harvard lineup reads like a 2023 SEC hearing witness list. The amount paid for tuition alone given the list of prep schools from whcih these stuffed-shirts originated could fund any NCAA team’s operating costs for a decade. That is, with the exception that random player from Winchester; we can only assume he’s in possession of some outrageously compromising photos.

At the helm of this country club joke of a team is former Harvard man and Boston Bruin Ted Donato. We at The Ice is Life sincerely hope that Ted’s story is a lesson to current NHL players; save money during your playing days or there’s no telling what fresh hell in which you could find yourself when the ride is over. We figure that out of the current 59 Division 1 hockey teams in the country, the Harvard job is about, oh, 44th most-desirable.  Given that Donato is an alum, we’ll make it an even 40th (sorry, Niagara.) Anytime you take the 40th-best anything, you’ve really fallen to new depths.

Now, we must be fair here. We understand that to say Lowell is currently playing C- hockey (at best) is the understatement of the year. But that shouldn’t matter tonight. Despite actually beating Cornell this season, Harvard sits at a lowly 4-3-1 entering this game. Their other wins? Bentley, Brown and RPI. Jesus, was Suffolk booked solid? In their three loses, the Crimson had their doors blown off by Yale (5-1) and Union (6-2 to the pipeline) and were shut out by Colgate (1-0). That’s not the résumé of a team to be feared, unless you’re a young child facing an 18-hour shift in a sweatshop in Thailand.

The great thinker Mark Blankfield once said that, “North, south, east or west, there is only one Harvard.” When we go to sleep at night, we feel happy and safe in that knowledge. And the knowledge that they suck.

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